I might as well tell you from the start I'm Erika from Amerika, just passing through Gibraltar on a sailboat. I hardly know a thing about Gibraltar, but they hired me because I can speak your language better than they can.
Our bus driver (Hector, Clive, Martin...) is Gibraltarian cigarette smuggler so you can ask him questions, too.
God, they better start smiling soon...I wonder if they even understand me.
Gibraltar's 30,000 citizens are made up of about 20,000 Gibraltarians confused people, Latin Victorians, Irish Gauchos, Scottish matadors and 10,000 from various nationalities, all desperate tax evaders.
Here is the airport as if you could miss it, we practically live on top of the runway. It's very unique in that the main street crosses the landing strip, traffic backing up for hours on both sides, waiting for exclusively British Airways flights to land or take off.
As we come around the North side of the Rock you can see the upper Galleries, dug out by hand, shovel and black gun powder during the Great Siege of 1778-1782 to shoot at the Spanish. The Brits were so pissed off that they lost America 2 years earlier, they decided Come Hell'er High Water they'd keep this pimple on the arse of the continent.
Further on we have Catalan Bay, where Genovese settlers founded a small fishing harbor in the 16th century, later to serve primarily as Gibraltar's police force. All of the British policemen were either criminals themselves, or deserted the force out of fear, back to Britain. They therefore enlisted the Italians, who would never leave their families here alone.
Above us we have these remarkable Water Catchments, built by levelling off one entire side of the mountain and syphening the rain water into reservoirs built into the Rock. What rain water? It rained once in 2 months, and that was for five minutes! When they do use it, the water comes out brown and disgusting in the tap, and they have a distillation plant on the other side anyhow. So why do they keep this stuff up? To show folks like you!
This tunnel on the right hand side cuts straight through the Rock... See the light at the end? Forget solid as a rock - Gibraltar has over 35 miles of tunnel dug out of it. Supposedly there are cave-ins and landslides quite often, even in the public tunnels, like the one we're going through now. Gibraltar has the capacity to hide and maintain 17,000 soldiers inside for 6 months. Gee, isn't that useful in our modern world? An aircraft carrier in the middle of the Strait would be more strategic and less claustrophobic.
Now we can get out at Europa Point and
take some photos of Sidi Musa Morocco's twin mountain on the
other side of the Strait. As usual, weather is cloudy and we
can't even see Africa today. There goes my tip... No, Ma'm
that is not Africa what you see there, it's Spain on the other
side of the Bay... No Sir, that's not the Atlantic yet, the
Atlantic officially starts at Tarifa, 35 kilometers South. But if
you look out at the ocean, see those white caps? Those are
dolphins playing in the Strait. Oh, actually now that I put my
glasses on, I can see it's just the tide coming in. Oh well, why
tell 'em and ruin their visit?
OK, ten minutes are up, pile back in our oxygen deprived bus, where I have to scream everything out because the microphone is broken.
Now we drive down to the ape's den. These apes live in freedom and can do what they want, especially if they're all sleeping except for one, and three dozen tourists are all trying to cram their bananas down his throat. Yes, the apes have been vaccinated, though you deserve to be bit by one, pelting the poor lazy creatures in the head with your peanuts.
During our final descent we have a view of my temporary home, Sheppard's Marina, Smuggler Boat Paradise. This is the alternative to the luxurious snooty yachty Marina Bay, on your right, where Frank Zappa keeps his boat, the only harbor they would show to George Bush during his visit to Gibraltar last week.
As our squeaky brakes barely save us from flying off the edge, you can see on your right the oldest construction in Gibraltar, the Moorish Tower of Hommage, built in 711. Thanks to California minimarts, I can actually remember that date.
Further on you can see the Gothic-style Church of the Sacred Heart, built with stones brought from the island of Malta, as if they didn't have enough rocks here!
Apart from Andorra, Gibraltar is the last duty-free haven in the European community, and besides its history, it's pretty much the only attraction Gibraltar has for tourists. You are allowed two cartons of cigarettes and 2 bottles of spirits each, unless you own a phantom boat and grease the palms of the Guardia Civil on the other side of the border, in which case quantities are unlimited. Don't forget to visit the Gibraltar Museum, though I never did, where they have the first Neanderthal skull discovered in Europe, which makes perfect sense why it was named after the Neandertal, in Germany.
Now let's give our sweaty panting driver a hand, and every peseta in your pocket as a tip, since he splits them with me fifty-fifty.
So long, thank you much, and have a great time trying to find your way back to the bus station at the other end of town, to take your coach back to your Costa del Sol package deal hotel!.
